nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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