Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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