He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
two words: eviction party
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize