my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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