well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
