the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
