when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
