If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
