Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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