Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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