Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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