I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize