ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
