I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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