Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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