I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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