Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize