my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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