I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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