all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
a search helicopter?!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
