i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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