We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
