im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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