I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
