Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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