I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
