in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
