The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
