guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
