His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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