Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
