explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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