I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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