Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize