the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
