i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
