at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
