My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have aggressive nipples.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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