turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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