her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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