just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
