Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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