Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
