Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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