I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
