Only a mothe r could love this liver
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
