I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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