i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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