I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm like, not good at living.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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