I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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