I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
