I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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