Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
