I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
