I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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