totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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