Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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