it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
