he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
