No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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