My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
