I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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