just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
