he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
