brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
