I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
