dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize